Disclaimer: This is NOT an endorsement for cheating on your exams. Do the right thing and study beforehand.
Have I already said "STUDY?" Let me repeat: STUDY.
Studying BEFORE the exam is highly recommended. That way, you won't have to resort to any of these tactics. Here are 11 Fool-Proof Ways to Fail an Exam:
- The Long-Necked Method: Stretch your neck and copy your neighbor's work. It is that simple. If your neck is really long (see picture above for inspiration. If you have extra time, take a ruler or tape rule and measure your neck. Then measure this guy's neck. Send me an e-mail telling me whose own is longer), then you should have no trouble implementing this strategy. Now. if you're feeling extra bold, try copying the person behind you. If the eagle-eyed invigilator catches you (yes the one with the bifocals - it's a setup, don't fall for it), then you're in soup.
- The Write-the-Answers-on-my-laps Method: This is self-explanatory, but I will still explain just because I feel like it. The night before, take a pen, marker,
tiroor anything else that'll leave a mark, and write what you have determined to be the answers to the exam questions on your laps. [NOTE: You cannot and in fact, must not take a bath before the exam. The answers will disappear and your anxiety level will sky-rocket.] This, of course, means that you have to know beforehand, the questions that will be on the exam. If you discover that you spied the wrong questions, and so wrote the wrong answers, that's okay. I'll be the woman laughing, pointing and sticking out my tongue at you. You deserve it. Don't get mad at me. I'm simply celebrating. Now, if you happen to copy the answers to the right questions on your laps, you will still fail the exam ... if the eagle-eyed invigilator catches you. I assume this invigilator does not accept bribes.
- Crashing and Cramming: I will confess that I have tried this one. It actually works for some exams in undergrad, for example. But when you get to a professional school, you'll discover that all those assigned readings were meant to be completed over a couple of weeks, not overnight.
- Eating Copious Amounts of Kolanut and other caffeine-heavy foods: Of course, this is typically done the night before, while carrying out # 3. Sticking your feet in a bucket of water might also help to keep you awake for a while. BUT (and this is a big BUT), do NOT forget to set your alarm clock. Why? Because in some classes, being absent for an exam = zero. As in F9. Not the one on your keyboard. F9 as in your grade, your score, your "mark." Understand? Good. Now for # 5.
- Have Sex with your Professor: Oh yes. I said it. Sleep with your Professor. Then repeat the act with his or her colleague and make the "act" with the colleague public. That's an F right there. Yes, even wicked, depraved, unethical, sex-starved professors have jealous bones in their bodies. And they have the power to give you an F.
- Don't have sex with your Professor or lecturer: Seems contradictory, especially since it comes after # 5, ba? But it isn't. You see, in this case, the wicked, depraved, unethical, sex-starved professor has actually told you that if you don't sleep with him (or her), he'll make sure you keep carrying over his course till kingdom come. If you have a conscience and you refuse, he will keep his word and dash you an F. Painful, I know. How do we eradicate this (what's the word) CANKER WORM? I wonder.
- Pay someone to take your exam for you: Now, this is the part that results in the failure of the exam: Make sure that he or she gets caught taking the exam for you. I don't know how. You can think of something. Anyhow, if they catch your friend taking your exam for you, it's all over. No, F does not stand for Freedom. Don't let them lie to you.
- Write the answers on hands or other easily-accessible body parts (use your imagination): ... And get caught transferring the same answers to your paper by the eagle-eyed, no-nonsense invigilator. Putting the answers in your phone or similar electronic device and attempting to re-produce the answers will result in an F, once again, if Madam Eagle Eyes catches you. They don't call her eagle eyes for nothing.
- Don't buy the lecturer's handouts or books: Nigerian university/polytechnic graduates or current students can relate to this. If you don't buy the handouts or books the lecturer has written, that's an automatic F.
- Don't attend classes and don't study at all: Yes, don't study. Not even crashing and cramming the night before. Don't do any of that. Instead, just show up for the exam with a rosary or cross round your neck and utter a 30 second prayer. I pity you.
- Come to the exam hall without the necessary tools: The necessary tools include things like Math sets, TD Boards, etc. There are some exams you have to take with these tools and showing up without them is playing with an F.
That's it from me. Your turn: What other examination malpractices and habits lead to failure among students? Kindly share.
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