21 Intriguing Questions for the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe



Do you remember that nursery rhyme about the old woman who lived in a shoe?

You don't?!

*shaking head in slow motion*

That is totally unacceptable!  And yes, I am judging you.  We have to rectify (chei, see grammar!) this before Christmas.

Before the month of November ends, you must re-learn this nursery rhyme by force.  No, you don't have a choice.  :-)

Here is the version most of us are familiar with, courtesy of Wikipedia:

They Speak Good English, But They Write Terrible "Fear Go Catch You" Grammar



You probably read this, and thought:

"Wait a minute, isn't it the other way round?"

My answer: "Does it matter?"

The bottom line is that something is not adding up. And in any case, I think you're more likely to meet the sort of person this post is dedicated to.

Good Pikin for House, Bad Pikin for School


For the record, Pikin means "Child."  Straight from the Nigerian Pidgin English dictionary ... if such a thing exists.

You know it is possible for a child from a good background, with "proper home training" like we say, to stray.  And the place where the child manifests that waywardness is in school.

Does Cultism Really Start in Secondary School?


I was listening to a radio program recently and some of the listeners mentioned this: they joined secret cults in secondary school.  Their teachers knew, but their parents had no clue.

How come?

And since when did secondary students start joining cults?

Girls Must Cut their Hair: Why Do Schools Make this a Requirement?



Happy New Month! Can you believe there are just 2 months left before we welcome 2015? Amazing! It finally got cold at my end, but I am still in denial about winter's arrival.  Still hiding those boots away and wearing open-toed shoes. For now.

Atchoooooooo!

But, let's get to today's topic.

Generally, Nigerian school girls are expected to do something with their hair, especially if they attend public schools and government schools.  Private schools are more liberal, in my opinion, and some of them even allow students use hair extensions (attachment) during the school year.  But, I suppose with all the millions their parents sink into their school fees, that's a minor trade off, ba?

School's Prospectus: Who Reads it Anyway?



When you gain admission to a secondary school in Nigeria, the school authorities tend to load parents and students with a lot of information.  The school's prospectus is one of the books they hand to you that's literally loaded with tons of information.

The official definition of the prospectus is "a book or document that provides information about a school, business, etc."  Of course in our case, it's for a school.

So, what sort of information is written in a prospectus? Well, I'm glad you asked.  Here's a little list:

First University Graduate in the Family: Blessing or Curse?


Nigerians place a very high premium on education. Translation: they like to acquire degrees.  A lot.

If you enter the sitting room (parlor) of a typical Nigerian family, in addition to family pictures, you are likely to see one or more school certificates prominently displayed for the whole world to know that Baba Bisi too went to school.  And graduated.

At the most basic level, I would say that you are not considered truly educated unless you have a Bachelor's degree.  In fact, some people will argue with you and say that a Master's degree is the minimum requirement to be considered truly educated.  I am sure if there were more advanced degrees than PhDs, Nigerians would pursue them too.  But until then ....

The One Thing No Girl Misses About Braiding Hair in the Market



I think that picture just gave it away, but I'll still spell it out.

You see, if you ever had the  misfortune privilege of going to the market in Nigeria (or elsewhere for that matter) to get your hair braided as a child, then you're familiar with the scene I am about to describe.

No, it doesn't matter what hairstyle you actually ended up doing or whether you chose to do didi (french braids) or weaving.  The process was the same.  I already hinted at it here, but here it is in its full glory:

Your mother or father or relative dropped you off at the market and told the hairstylist what style to braid your hair into.  Or maybe you got to decide.  Or maybe your school already called the hairstyle for you for that week.  Doesn't matter.  Same result, i.e. you have to get your hair done.

The hair stylist, who was a market woman, not just because she was literally in the market, but also because she probably also sold other items at her stall in addition to braiding hair, agreed, and if there was no one there before you, she would point to an apoti (small stool).

Now, I shall rant about the apoti.  Don't worry, I'll still rant about the one thing nobody misses in a bit.  But let's dwell on the apoti for a bit, shall we? Good.

Drinking Coconut Water Will Turn a Child into an Olodo (Dunce)



Raise your hand if you've ever heard this before
:

"Don't eat that _______________ (fill in the blank with seemingly harmless food or fruit).  It will make you ___________________________." (fill in the blank with completely unnatural and very negative, undesirable bodily or mental functions).

What?! I'm the only one raising my hand?

Sacre bleu! I refuse to believe this.

Seriously, growing up I heard all sorts of myths and taboos surrounding food.  It just so happens that one of those myths has to do with a certain fruit.

Take a wild guess ....

Gospel Music Should Not Be "Plan B"


Ask a group of children this question, on any given day:

What do you want to be when you grow up?

If the said kids are Nigerians (and truthfully, even if they aren't), you'll hear answers like:

"Doctor!"

"Lawyer!"

"Engineer!"

"Architect!"

"Banker!"

"Businessman!"

"Kuli-kuli seller!"

Okay, maybe not that last one.

Did I leave any of the major ones out? You decide.

Oh, You're Black? No Teacher or Professor Will Ever Give You an "A"


Someone actually said this to me just before I started college here in the US.

He worked at Pizza Hut in the university town I would call home for the rest of my undergraduate life.  Unknown to me, the college I was enrolled in had a long, negative history of racial prejudice against black people.

So, he felt he needed to tell these "Africans" (I was with my family) the gospel truth.  He essentially discouraged us (my sister and I) from attending that college in particular.  Apart from the generally awful racial history, he told us (paraphrased):

"If you're black, no professor will give you an "A."  They don't give black people "As" in that school."

Now, I don't want to discount what he said and dismiss it casually.  I generally believe there is no smoke without fire, and that something must have happened either to him personally or to someone or some people he knew to make him arrive at that conclusion.

But, my own experience was very different.

Visiting Day: The Day When Students' Secrets Are Revealed


Visiting Day is the one day in the term that boarding house (or boarding school as it's called in some parts) students look forward to.  It is the day when parents, guardians, relatives come to visit their children or wards.  Teachers, matrons, school masters and the general boarding school staff usually want the students to appear like they are well taken care of, even if that is far from the truth.

If you've ever been to boarding school in Nigeria, especially if it was in a federal or state government college (private schools were better, generally) then you know the tricks school staff can play just to put up a good front for that very special day.

Specifically, here are some secrets that are revealed on visiting day:

1. The Teacher (or Matron or School Master) has been spending your child's pocket money 

Yes, this is true and possibly more common than we might think.  Parents (especially those not familiar with the boarding school setting) sometimes leave their children in care of teachers or matrons or school masters or school mistresses (or even seniors) to "take care" of their children.

By "take care," I mean checking up on the child and giving them money for expenses like food, school projects, personal hygiene items, etc. In short, the teacher is the child's trustee.

The Invisible Culprit Responsible for Making School Boys' White Uniforms Dirty


After all these years, this question remains unanswered: Whose idea was it to make secondary school boys wear white uniforms?

I don't know o.

I know though that when these boys go to school in the morning, their uniforms are white and clean.  But, by the time they return home in the evening, all sorts of strange stains have attached themselves to the same uniforms.  Needless to say, bleaching is a daily routine for any serious uniform washer.

Since I can't get an answer to the first question, I decided to temporarily abandon it and instead, ask another one: Where do all these stains come from?

My suggestions:

Define the Nigerian Dream: The Usual Suspects Served in Five Music Related Answers

That's a Bugatti

Assume for a moment that you are sitting for an exam (WAEC/SSCE/JSCE/JAMB) or test (not a driving test sha), and the first question that is jeje-ly printed on the paper in front of you is this:

Define the Nigerian Dream

Please note that if you turn the paper to the other side, hoping that maybe it is a multiple choice question and the teacher mistakenly printed options A - D on the back, then you need to be flogged.

*in a teacher's voice, trying to sound important* "This is an essay question and you have fifteen minutes.  Start!"

Okay, so we are not really in class.  You can wipe that cold sweat off your forehead now.  *grins*

Open Day and Why Many Students Hated It


Okay, not all students hated "open day," but let's just say it wasn't an occasion students looked forward to.

Open Day is the one day in a semester/term set aside for parents and guardians to come to their child's school, meet with teachers and decide the fate of that child inspect the child's schoolwork to make sure he or she is on the right track academically.  That's all good on paper.

"God Provides" is the Name of a Secondary School in Enugu

These are NOT students of "God Provides"

Note:  These are not students of "God Provides."

Seriously, I did not make this up.  I came across the name of this school last year and could not believe it.  It is called "God Provides Secondary School" or GPSS for short and it is located in Enugu State. This is definitely at the top of my list of odd names for schools.  But then again, no be Naija? Should anything surprise you?

The Assistant Class Captain: What Exactly does He or She do?

Which of them is the Class Captain? I pick the only boy with the school bag.
The list of noisemakers is in his bag.

Following the previous post on Class Captains, the next logical step is to talk about the Assistant, ba? Thank you to every one who supplied ideas for what the assistant class captain does.

Next to the Class Captain, the assistant is the next most important person.  He or she essentially carries out the duties of the Class Captain when the Captain is sick or absent from class for whatever reason e.g. attending the National Conference of Class Captains in Nigeria, where competing Class Captains from the four corners of Nigeria meet in Abuja for one purpose: to compare lists of noisemakers to see whose list is the longest.  Or something like that.

When they are not attending this all-important conference, here are a few other things assistant class captains do:

Class Captain: The Student Everyone Loves to Hate


The Class Captain is the student who is usually elected by other classmates (if it's a democracy) or selected by the class teacher (if it's a teacho-cracy ... sorry, I meant 'dictatorship') to lead the class.  The presumption is that students are an unruly herd of cattle or pirates who need a captain.

Okay, seriously, students need one of their peers to represent them.  For most students, that's the lowest form of politics at the school level, and for some it is the training ground for leadership in subsequent years.

Junior Girl, Kneel Down and Fly Your Arms!


If you read the title, and you are now curled in a fetal position, crying for your mummy (or daddy), then you know what it means.  But, if you are still sitting upright reading the rest of this post, then ... read on.

How Not To Be A Cud-Chewing Goat


Goat: A four-legged animal with hoofs that holds an endless fascination for me, Relentless.  That's our working definition.  And just in case you have never seen a goat in your life, please refer to the picture above (minus the obvious smirk).

One thing I learnt (that's not the only thing I learnt o) in secondary school was that there were certain differences between ruminants and non-ruminants. Of particular note is the fact that ruminants ruminate, i.e. they chew the cud and non-ruminants don't.  A goat is a ruminant, therefore, it 'chews the cud.'  It also has 4 stomachs: rumen, reticulum, omasum and abomasum.

What on earth is the cud? It's the undigested food that the goat regurgitates and chews again. For the purpose of this blog post, that is all you need to know.  Just in case all this goat talk has stirred a desire to explore the cud-chewing process, you can read more here.

So, why is any of this important?

Well, I am glad you asked.  You see, those four parts of the stomach I mentioned, are actually the shaki (tripe) that some of us use to cook vegetable soup.  And other things.  But that's not my point.

My gripe is with the chewing of the cud.