The One Thing No Girl Misses About Braiding Hair in the Market

The One Thing No Girl Misses About Braiding Hair in the Market

I think that picture just gave it away, but I'll still spell it out.

You see, if you ever had the  misfortune privilege of going to the market in Nigeria (or elsewhere for that matter) to get your hair braided as a child, then you're familiar with the scene I am about to describe.

No, it doesn't matter what hairstyle you actually ended up doing or whether you chose to do didi (french braids) or weaving.  The process was the same.  I already hinted at it here, but here it is in its full glory:

Your mother or father or relative dropped you off at the market and told the hairstylist what style to braid your hair into.  Or maybe you got to decide.  Or maybe your school already called the hairstyle for you for that week.  Doesn't matter.  Same result, i.e. you have to get your hair done.

The hair stylist, who was a market woman, not just because she was literally in the market, but also because she probably also sold other items at her stall in addition to braiding hair, agreed, and if there was no one there before you, she would point to an apoti (small stool).

Now, I shall rant about the apoti.  Don't worry, I'll still rant about the one thing nobody misses in a bit.  But let's dwell on the apoti for a bit, shall we? Good.

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Spammer, Oya do 10,000 Frog Jumps and Slap Yourself!

Spammer, Oya do 10,000 Frog Jumps and Slap Yourself!

What I imagine a spammer looks like in person.
Bushy tail and Beady eyes included!

Lately (and by lately, I mean in the last couple of months), there has been a spike in the amount of spam comments I receive daily.  I have no idea why this has happened or what is going on, but I know I am not alone.  I suspect this is specific to Blogger though, because Wordpress is awesome has an array of better spam-combating techniques.

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Who's Afraid of Tilapia Fish?

Who's Afraid of Tilapia Fish?

Tilapia fish in its raw, ready-to-be-cooked form

If you live in Nigeria, the chances that you have touched, eaten or at least seen raw fish (of any species) is very high.  But for whatever reason, the same is not always true here in the US.  Some people don't even know what a real chicken looks like, so maybe asking about fish is really pushing it. I guess it's possible that people are so used to seeing filleted fish or already cooked fish (fried catfish anyone?) that they don't make the connection between raw and cooked food.  But that's just speculation.

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"Sister, Your Scarf is Tantalizing" and Other Lame Pickup Lines

"Sister, Your Scarf is Tantalizing" and Other Lame Pickup Lines

I am a firm believer that a woman must be wooed, courted, toasted (pick any verb you like) by a man.  Not the other way round.  For some reason, guys think that pick-up lines are good ways to strike up conversations with ladies. Love it or hate it, guys use them regularly.

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Hire a Carpenter and Not A Cobbler to Make Shoes For You

Hire a Carpenter and Not A Cobbler to Make Shoes For You

Wooden Dutch Shoes

If you've read my About page, you'll know that I am not a carpenter.  I'm not a building contractor either.  This one needs to be stated because I actually got a Facebook inquiry on building contracts.  That's what I get for having such an awesome name.

So, what does a carpenter have to do with shoes.  Good question. My little story will answer your question.  Don't worry before the end, you'll make the connection.

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How Not To Be A Cud-Chewing Goat

How Not To Be A Cud-Chewing Goat

Goat: A four-legged animal with hoofs that holds an endless fascination for me, Relentless.  That's our working definition.  And just in case you have never seen a goat in your life, please refer to the picture above (minus the obvious smirk).

One thing I learnt (that's not the only thing I learnt o) in secondary school was that there were certain differences between ruminants and non-ruminants. Of particular note is the fact that ruminants ruminate, i.e. they chew the cud and non-ruminants don't.  A goat is a ruminant, therefore, it 'chews the cud.'  It also has 4 stomachs: rumen, reticulum, omasum and abomasum.

What on earth is the cud? It's the undigested food that the goat regurgitates and chews again. For the purpose of this blog post, that is all you need to know.  Just in case all this goat talk has stirred a desire to explore the cud-chewing process, you can read more here.

So, why is any of this important?

Well, I am glad you asked.  You see, those four parts of the stomach I mentioned, are actually the shaki (tripe) that some of us use to cook vegetable soup.  And other things.  But that's not my point.

My gripe is with the chewing of the cud.

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5 Ridiculous Things Nobody Expects But Actually Happen at a Church Night Vigil

5 Ridiculous Things Nobody Expects But Actually Happen at a Church Night Vigil

How was your weekend?  Mine was quite uneventful.  Hopefully you had more fun than I did.  Just don’t rub it in, okay? *grumbling*

For the purposes of this blog post, I will be referring to Nigerian churches.  But, if your church has night vigils, even if it is not a Nigerian church, let me know if any of these things happen at your church too.  Oh wait, I am assuming you know what a night vigil is.  My bad! Here's a quick definition:

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"Kneels" is Not a Body Part

"Kneels" is Not a Body Part

Look, I have had enough! Ahn ahn! Ki lo de?! Na by force to speak English ni?  I have quietly listened in horror, hoping against hope that my ears were deceiving me, but it is indeed true:  Too many Nigerians are mis-pronouncing the name of a body part.  It does not help that the said body part has been incorporated into many songs, most notably that children's song: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes (Knees and Toes).

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8 Useful Skills and Life Lessons Boarding School (House) Will Teach You

8 Useful Skills and Life Lessons Boarding School (House) Will Teach You

You probably read the title and thought to yourself, "What did I learn from boarding school?"  I'm glad you asked because that is precisely what we shall discuss in the next few paragraphs. I assure you that building muscle strength and developing physical fitness from carrying buckets of water over long distances, will not be on this list.  Should it be? Okay, let's get to it already:

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5 Hilarious Answers by African Students to Ignorant Questions from Americans

5 Hilarious Answers by African Students to Ignorant Questions from Americans

If you have lived outside of Nigeria long enough, you must have gotten questions like the ones below.  Not only are they ridiculous, but some of them are downright offensive.  Anyway, back in college, I used to gist with some of the African students about these types of "encounters" and some of their responses are reproduced below.

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Favorite Superbowl Commercial: Moose the Doritos-eating goat is (not) for sale

Favorite Superbowl Commercial: Moose the Doritos-eating goat is (not) for sale

His name is Moose.  He is a goat.  And he loves eating Doritos.

From the very first day I watched this commercial, I loved it.  And I am glad it won.

Moose the Goat // Facebook

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The American Solution to Long, "Hard-to-Pronounce" African Names

The American Solution to Long, "Hard-to-Pronounce" African Names

A few months ago, I heard this funny story about how Peter O' Toole ended up "christening" Omar Sharif with a completely different name: Fred.

Over the years, I have watched in horror, as Americans (mostly) have tried to pronounce long Nigerian / African names.  Even when the person with the long name provides a shorter, more jaw-friendly name, just to avoid having his name mis-pronounced so regularly, the result is the same:  both the original name and the nickname end up badly butchered.

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Said the Squirrel: "Many hotdogs are within you"

Said the Squirrel: "Many hotdogs are within you"

[Image Source]

Have you seen the new Pepto Bismol advertisement? What?! You mean you didn't know that Pepto Bismol now comes in a handy pocket size? Goodness.  We have to fix that.  Well, you don't have to hoist that bottle of pink around with you anymore.  Oh no.  It is now portable.  I'll keep quiet now, and let the squirrel do the talking.  

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Do Fish Sleep | Featured Artiste(s): Stage One

Do Fish Sleep | Featured Artiste(s): Stage One

[Picture from HERE]

About 2 weeks ago, some folks told me they were going to buy fish and I responded with a question: Do fish sleep?  Please don't ask me where that came from.  I have no clue, but I realized I did not know the answer.  So I decided to joke about it.  I decided that fish sleep and that my only proof was this:

Some of the disciples were fishing at night and caught nothing ALL NIGHT.  Yup! And they caught NOTHING until Jesus showed up.  You know the rest of the story (Read John 21).  

I decided that the disciples were fishing at night because the fish were asleep and so there would be little or no resistance, thereby making the fishermen's job easier.  (Random thought: Have you ever tried "Cow-tipping" before? My quick definition: Cow-tipping is the act of pushing cows over while they are sleeping at night so that they land with a mighty thud. I should put it on my bucket list ... when I make one.  BUT cows don't sleep standing up. What a bummer!)

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Fresh Meat [Featured Artiste: Tolucci]

Fresh Meat [Featured Artiste: Tolucci]

Picture from HERE

There is something that has been bugging me for a while now.  It has been giving me sleepless nights and making me break out in cold sweat. My heart skips several beats when I think about this pressing issue, and I can’t keep it to myself any longer.   I have decided to come out and tell the truth, and here it is: I want to eat my neighbor’s chicken! (*evil laughter* … Gotcha! What secret did you think I was going to divulge?! Odeshi!)

Yes, believe it or not, one of my neighbors keeps a chicken (or should I call it a hen?) in his yard. Alice (yes, I have christened the chicken “Alice” after that chicken dish at Outback Steakhouse called “Alice Springs Chicken.”  Please don’t ask me why! LOL) has an identity crisis: she thinks she is a dog because she hangs out with them (or rather tries to ... they chase her. So much for being open-minded, dogs!) 


I am not sure what my neighbor's philosophy is (maybe Alice is there to lay eggs … after all, we are right smack in the middle of a recession), but the presence of that chicken has given me cause to evaluate just how fresh the meat I eat is.  I think Alice would taste so much berra than that Wal-Mart chicken, especially when she it has been seasoned right.  I even made a list of spices and seasonings for Alice’s “birthday” including: curry, thyme, garlic, onions, Knorr cubes, paprika, partminger leaves (my grandma used to grow it back in Naija to season Alice’s distant cousins and other relatives who made our acquaintance at the local market), etc.  Is your mouth watering yet? *grinning from ear to ear*

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