4 Smells Your Nose Catches When You Hug People

4 Smells Your Nose Catches When You Hug People

Yes, I know your nose is not like a net that catches butterflies, and that title is not grammatically correct, but who cares? I wanted to paint a picture and .... *gasp* I think I just did :D

So, when you lean forward to hug people, regardless of what team you belong to (TeamiLoveHugs, TeamNoNearMe, TeamWhatever), you smell something.  Here are 4 somethings that fit the bill:

1. You Smell Their Hair:

I remember listening to a podcast a few years ago, and a Naija guy living in the US (yes, it was a Naija podcast) called in and complained that Naija women don't wash their hair (weaves, braids, etc) and he can tell when he leans in and hugs them because apparently, he is taller than most women.

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Huggers, Choose Your Team: Team iLoveHugs, Team NoNearMe, Team AnythingGoes

Huggers, Choose Your Team: Team iLoveHugs, Team NoNearMe, Team AnythingGoes

I know the title says "huggers,"  but this post really applies to everyone: huggers and non-huggers alike.  In my own experience, I have come across three major categories of people when it comes to hugs.  I decided to group them as you will see in the subsequent paragraphs.

But before we jump in, I might as well confess, that I belong to the 2nd team: Team NoNearMe.  To a certain extent.

Oya, let me explain myself.

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How Not To Be A Cud-Chewing Goat

How Not To Be A Cud-Chewing Goat

Goat: A four-legged animal with hoofs that holds an endless fascination for me, Relentless.  That's our working definition.  And just in case you have never seen a goat in your life, please refer to the picture above (minus the obvious smirk).

One thing I learnt (that's not the only thing I learnt o) in secondary school was that there were certain differences between ruminants and non-ruminants. Of particular note is the fact that ruminants ruminate, i.e. they chew the cud and non-ruminants don't.  A goat is a ruminant, therefore, it 'chews the cud.'  It also has 4 stomachs: rumen, reticulum, omasum and abomasum.

What on earth is the cud? It's the undigested food that the goat regurgitates and chews again. For the purpose of this blog post, that is all you need to know.  Just in case all this goat talk has stirred a desire to explore the cud-chewing process, you can read more here.

So, why is any of this important?

Well, I am glad you asked.  You see, those four parts of the stomach I mentioned, are actually the shaki (tripe) that some of us use to cook vegetable soup.  And other things.  But that's not my point.

My gripe is with the chewing of the cud.

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Dear Nigerians, Stop Yelling on the Phone!

Dear Nigerians, Stop Yelling on the Phone!

One lesson I have learnt over the years is this: Nigerians are loud people.  That can be both a good and a bad thing.  It is a good thing at a soccer match for example, where they can shout down the fans of the competitor's country.  But, a conference room or a seminar for example, is not a soccer match, and so does not need the same level of noise.

Perhaps, the most common example of Nigerians being Nigerians, is on the phone.  It does not matter if the person on the other end of the line is within the same zipcode, same city, same county or out of the country, the reaction is the same: they yell.  I don't mean just yelling the first "Hello!" Oh no.

If that was the case, I would not need an entire blog post to rant.  No, the yelling continues at the same frequency, pitch or whatever you want to call it from beginning to the end.  You don’t need loudspeakers to follow the conversation.  You can hear everything that is being said from miles away, even if you don’t want to.

Now, I have tried to explain why this continues to occur, despite the "eye lazer" I have given repeat offenders, and these are my suggestions.  Nigerians yell on the phone because:

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The Gentleman Series | 1: He Must be Polite

The Gentleman Series | 1: He Must be Polite

Thank you for joining me for this series.  I hope we can share and learn together.  Now, let's get started.

There are all kinds of gentlemen.  In fact, you can tack just about any adjective in front of the word 'Gentleman' and you'll arrive at a different result.  We assume that a gentleman is also a good man, but there are cases where the two are mutually exclusive.  Why? Because being a gentleman has to do with etiquette and manners, while being good is a moral issue.  They are two different things.

However, our focus for this series is the Quintessential Nigerian Gentleman.  Because he exists.

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5 Examples of Delicious Nigerian Meals Which Are (Unfortunately) Not Work-Friendly

5 Examples of Delicious Nigerian Meals Which Are (Unfortunately) Not Work-Friendly

You know, while I was trying to decide how to frame the title, I came up with an alternative title:  5 Delicious Nigerian Meals that your boss must not catch you eating.  I just was not sure that would be as "all-encompassing" as the one I settled for.

Pounded Yam and Egusi Soup // Lohi's Creations

Okay, enough with the titles.  Off to the koko.  

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The Perfect Nigerian Gentleman: Endangered Species or Non-Existent Mythical Creature?

The Perfect Nigerian Gentleman: Endangered Species or Non-Existent Mythical Creature?

Okay, I will concede that I went a bit overboard with the title.  I mean, there's no such thing as the perfect anybody or anything.  Maybe there's the perfect cupcake, or dress, but human beings are flawed.  It's in our nature.  So, why on earth would I, Relentless, even think of using the words 'Perfect' and 'Gentleman' in the same sentence?  Of course, I skipped right over Nigerian.  I am guessing you saw it.  I did.

Going back to the title, if I had to answer this question out-rightly  I would say: Yes, Nigerian gentlemen exist.  That of course, rules out the mythical creature option.  But, then if they do exist, what percentage of Nigerian men are gentlemen?  That's a difficult question to answer, especially if you don't know what the criteria are.  So, I need to start there, i.e. who or what is a gentleman, and specifically, who is a Nigerian gentleman?

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Kini Big Deal with Handshakes: Firm or Just Touch-and-Go?

Kini Big Deal with Handshakes: Firm or Just Touch-and-Go?

One of my least favorite parts of any church service is when whoever is on the pulpit announces: "Now, turn around and greet the people around you."  Why? Because it is certain to involve two activities I am not fond of: hugging (for the women) and shaking hands (for the men).  You probably can't tell from the look on my face.  I hope.  I will speak more on the hugs in a separate blog post (believe me, it deserves its own space).  But today, I wanted to deal with the handshake part.

You see after that announcement, you usually get a feel for different types of handshakes, ranging from the firm handshakes to the ones I like to call 'touch-and-go' (usually from women).  The 'touch-and-go' handshakes are particularly fascinating to me because the people who initiate these handshakes barely touch your hands as if you have craw-craw or some other skin ailment on your hands.  Seriously, I don't think I can even call it a handshake.  And then there are those who cannot decide whether to grasp your hand firmly or just sniff stare at it.  They grasp your hand and then drop it suddenly as if they just saw Willi-Willi materialize behind you.  Not cool.

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Introduce yourself properly without irritating innocent bystanders

Introduce yourself properly without irritating innocent bystanders

We shall start our lesson today by staring at the blackboard.  Okay, it is not really a blackboard.  It's just a wooden background.  But this issue don vex me so tay I carry my legs go construct placard wey I go take use illustrate.  Let me save you the heartache of reading my poor attempt at pidgin any further.  I will continue in English for your sake (You're welcome).  What I was saying was that this issue annoyed me to the point that I decided to make two visual aids to demonstrate what exactly I mean.

So, for the sake of today's blog post, we have two examples:

Example 1: The Wrong Method

Example 2: The Correct Method

Guess which 'Method' this example illustrates?

But wait, I am getting way ahead of myself.  Let me back up and start from the top.

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Sister, Cross your legs; Brother, Do not attempt

Sister, Cross your legs; Brother, Do not attempt

First of all, I want to thank God for creating human beings with just two legs.  And for opposable thumbs.  Can you imagine crossing your legs if you were dealing with four limbs rather than two?  How would that even work? If dogs could talk, maybe they would enlighten us.  But since they don't we can [ask cows instead] let our imaginations run wild.  Or just refuse to think about it. The real question is: how do spiders cross their legs? Yes, all 8 hairy legs.  All of them.  Do they sip pina coladas while carrying out this exercise?  If you can answer this question, oh boy, you're a truly deep thinker.  In fact, I troway salute in advance.  Okay, I'll stop now. Maybe Not.

[Image Source: Kemi Filani]

Now, the inspiration for today's post title (the 1st part only) was a Ghanaian movie with the same name: Sister cross your legs.  I have not watched this movie, but the title has been stuck in my mind since the day I saw it. 

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