21 Intriguing Questions for the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe



Do you remember that nursery rhyme about the old woman who lived in a shoe?

You don't?!

*shaking head in slow motion*

That is totally unacceptable!  And yes, I am judging you.  We have to rectify (chei, see grammar!) this before Christmas.

Before the month of November ends, you must re-learn this nursery rhyme by force.  No, you don't have a choice.  :-)

Here is the version most of us are familiar with, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Promise for the Week: Isaiah 62:3 (ESV)



Digestives v. HobNobs: Which is your favorite McVitie's biscuit?



So, what prompted this post?

An advert o! A radio jingle.

I was listening to Inspiration FM sometime last week, and heard this (for lack of a better word) "razz" advert.  I was shocked to find out it was for McVitie's.  Okay, call me bush, but in all my life, I have never heard a McVitie's advert.  Or seen one for that matter.  Yes, I am one of those people who believe that a child is just born with the knowledge that you haven't lived until you've eaten McVitie's Digestives biscuits.

The One Thing No Girl Misses About Braiding Hair in the Market



I think that picture just gave it away, but I'll still spell it out.

You see, if you ever had the  misfortune privilege of going to the market in Nigeria (or elsewhere for that matter) to get your hair braided as a child, then you're familiar with the scene I am about to describe.

No, it doesn't matter what hairstyle you actually ended up doing or whether you chose to do didi (french braids) or weaving.  The process was the same.  I already hinted at it here, but here it is in its full glory:

Your mother or father or relative dropped you off at the market and told the hairstylist what style to braid your hair into.  Or maybe you got to decide.  Or maybe your school already called the hairstyle for you for that week.  Doesn't matter.  Same result, i.e. you have to get your hair done.

The hair stylist, who was a market woman, not just because she was literally in the market, but also because she probably also sold other items at her stall in addition to braiding hair, agreed, and if there was no one there before you, she would point to an apoti (small stool).

Now, I shall rant about the apoti.  Don't worry, I'll still rant about the one thing nobody misses in a bit.  But let's dwell on the apoti for a bit, shall we? Good.

Give a Child His Own Name, Not the Name of his Father or Grandfather





The title pretty much sums up what I'm about to start ranting about.  But I will still rant sha.  In detail.

One common practice which I believe needs to be scrapped with immediacy and alacrity (yes, the occasion warrants using English words which Nigerians overuse and abuse well well) is giving children the names of their fathers, grandfathers and in fact, their ancestors.

Boys (not girls) are overwhelmingly affected by this practice.  I mean, how often do you hear a girl being called Mary, Junior, for example?  Or Florence, Junior?  Or even Mulikat the third?  Not common, if at all.  I know in Yoruba culture, for example, because of our strong belief in reincarnation, we have names for children based on relatives who have passed on, e.g.:

Who Eats the Head of the Chicken in Your Family?


I remember those trips to the market.  Walking to the section where the chicken sellers converged.  But before we even got there, you could smell them.  And hear them too.  The chickens, I mean ... not the sell--

Oh, never mind!

4 Smells Your Nose Catches When You Hug People



Yes, I know your nose is not like a net that catches butterflies, and that title is not grammatically correct, but who cares? I wanted to paint a picture and .... *gasp* I think I just did :D

So, when you lean forward to hug people, regardless of what team you belong to (TeamiLoveHugs, TeamNoNearMe, TeamWhatever), you smell something.  Here are 4 somethings that fit the bill:


1. You Smell Their Hair:

I remember listening to a podcast a few years ago, and a Naija guy living in the US (yes, it was a Naija podcast) called in and complained that Naija women don't wash their hair (weaves, braids, etc) and he can tell when he leans in and hugs them because apparently, he is taller than most women.

Huggers, Choose Your Team: Team iLoveHugs, Team NoNearMe, Team AnythingGoes


I know the title says "huggers,"  but this post really applies to everyone: huggers and non-huggers alike.  In my own experience, I have come across three major categories of people when it comes to hugs.  I decided to group them as you will see in the subsequent paragraphs.

But before we jump in, I might as well confess, that I belong to the 2nd team: Team NoNearMe.  To a certain extent.

Oya, let me explain myself.

Nigerian Women Living Abroad are More Promiscuous than Women Living in Nigeria


First of all, thank you to everyone who checked up on me while I was away.  I appreciate it o :D

I am back from my "sabbatical" and have so much to say.  But, I'll ease in gently.

Now for today's post.

No Beer Sold on Sundays at this Alabama Gas Station

Can you spot me in my yellow t-shirt?
I saw this sign taped onto a fridge when I was driving through Alabama this year:

SORRY!! NO BEER SOLD ON SUNDAY!!!

It was right on the section of the fridge where the beer was chilling.  I happened to be there on a Sunday, so I just had to take this picture.  No beer sold on Sundays.  Really?

I don't drink alcohol, so even if it was a Monday, I wouldn't care.  But it got me thinking: what's so special about Sundays that a gas station in a small town would not sell beer on that day?

Feeling Discouraged, Sad, Angry or Frustrated? Pray with a Psalm!



Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! 
Many are they that rise up against me.
Many there be which say of my soul, 
There is no help for him in God. Selah.
But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; 
My glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
Psalm 3: 1 - 3 (KJV)

---

This is what the wicked are like—
    always free of care, 
they go on amassing wealth.
Psalm 73: 12 (NIV)

---

Your word is a lamp to my feet
    and a light to my path.
Psalm 119: 105 (ESV)

There are moments in life when you open your mouth to pray but you just can't find the words.  While you can choose to listen to music or worship God in those moments, here's something else you can do: pray with a psalm.

Do Nigerians Hate their Own Accent?



Let's try an experiment.  Go to Tunein.com.  It's a website where radio stations are streamed live from all over the world.  Since Nigeria is in the world, our radio stations are also included.

Next, go to the Nigerian radio stations.  Here's a shortcut to make your life easier: Nigeria Radio Stations on Tune in.

Then, just pick a random radio station on the list.  Any one.  Note the accent of the presenter or on air personality (assuming they are not playing commercials).

Repeat the process 5 or more times.

What were the results in terms of Nigerian accent versus American, British, etc?

Define the Nigerian Dream: The Usual Suspects Served in Five Music Related Answers

That's a Bugatti

Assume for a moment that you are sitting for an exam (WAEC/SSCE/JSCE/JAMB) or test (not a driving test sha), and the first question that is jeje-ly printed on the paper in front of you is this:

Define the Nigerian Dream

Please note that if you turn the paper to the other side, hoping that maybe it is a multiple choice question and the teacher mistakenly printed options A - D on the back, then you need to be flogged.

*in a teacher's voice, trying to sound important* "This is an essay question and you have fifteen minutes.  Start!"

Okay, so we are not really in class.  You can wipe that cold sweat off your forehead now.  *grins*

That Noisy Church (or Mosque) on Your Street

National Christian Centre, Abuja a.k.a the Nigerian Ecumenical Centre,
located on Independence Avenue in the Central Business District 

I used to think that the trend of having local churches located in residential areas and having loud and noisy services at all hours of the day was a purely Nigerian affair.  That is, until I discovered that it happens in other parts of the world too, including Brazil.

Spammer, Oya do 10,000 Frog Jumps and Slap Yourself!

What I imagine a spammer looks like in person.
Bushy tail and Beady eyes included!

Lately (and by lately, I mean in the last couple of months), there has been a spike in the amount of spam comments I receive daily.  I have no idea why this has happened or what is going on, but I know I am not alone.  I suspect this is specific to Blogger though, because Wordpress is awesome has an array of better spam-combating techniques.

Just Keep Walking


Let us not become weary in doing good, 
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest 
if we do not give up.

Galatians 6: 9 (NIV)

March is quickly drawing to a close.  In fact, next week Monday is the last day of March (Relentless, why did you have to remind me? *groan*)  Well, why's that important? Because it officially marks the end of the first quarter of the year.

Yes, as soon as March ends, the first three months of the year are gone.

If you're like me, you're evaluating your decisions this year.

What have I done with the past three months?

Who's Afraid of Tilapia Fish?

Tilapia fish in its raw, ready-to-be-cooked form

If you live in Nigeria, the chances that you have touched, eaten or at least seen raw fish (of any species) is very high.  But for whatever reason, the same is not always true here in the US.  Some people don't even know what a real chicken looks like, so maybe asking about fish is really pushing it. I guess it's possible that people are so used to seeing filleted fish or already cooked fish (fried catfish anyone?) that they don't make the connection between raw and cooked food.  But that's just speculation.

NEPA, I Blame You for all the Movies and Cartoons I Never Finished Watching

Dodo, the kid from outer space

I have no doubt in my mind that the first word of some babies born in Nigeria (maybe even me too) was NEPA, as opposed to "Mama" or "Papa" or even "Landlord."  Just as an aside, I wonder how many babies of tenants were actually fathered by the landlord.  Will we ever know? Okay, I won't go there.

But, NEPA (National Electric Power Authority) was a necessary part of every child's vocabulary.  Even though the name has been changed to PHCN, the effect is the same: erratic power supply.  As a child, I joined everyone in calmly reprimanding cursing and abusing NEPA when they 'took light,' and joined them in praising NEPA when power was restored.

UP NEPA!

And the Award for the Most Despised Relative Goes To ...


Even as I searched for the picture to use for this blog post, I came across several naughty (I'm putting it mildly, believe me) jokes referring to mothers-in-law.  So, I just gave away one of the nominees.  Yes, the mother-in-law.

Coming in close for this competition is the sister-in-law.  I know some people may have nominated their brothers, sisters, cousins, and even parents for this.  But, hands down, the most popular complaint (especially from women) about relatives they would rather have nothing to do with, revolves around one person: the mother-in-law.  I think she should win that award.  Now, let's talk.

How Old is Too Old to Sit on Santa's Laps?

Nancy Reagan sitting on Mr. T's (Santa Claus) laps.  Where's his cap?

To be clear, the picture above did not inspire this post, but I think it suits the topic: how old is too old to sit on Santa's laps.

Now, for the sake of clarity, I need to state that the real reason for Christmas is Jesus.  We celebrate the birth of Jesus at Christmas.  However, unless you've been living under a rock, there is an entire Christmas culture built around the non-existent Santa Claus.  So, in today's world, Christmas also evokes images of the big bellied old man wearing red and white.  Don't even ask me why I am posting a Santa Claus-themed post in January.