Sharing your home with Relatives [Yes or No] | Featured Artiste(s): Stage One

Before jumping into today's post, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading, commenting, following me on Blogger, Facebook, Twirra ... You know I meant to say "Twitter."  I appreciate the support and feedback.

And now for today's special:  Fried rice and Fried Fish.  What? You're watching your waist line?  Okay then.  More food for me then.  *grinning* Why do you still have your mouth open? You want me to add Dodo to it.  You have to close your mouth first.  There you go! LOL! Alright, I will behave myself and get right to it.

Growing up in Lagos, I noticed that friends, classmates, etc seemed to have one relative or the other living with them.  By relatives, I mean one or more members of their extended family (father's younger brother/sister, father's cousin, mother's sister, etc.  You get the picture).  When the relative was not wearing the "informal househelp" (should I have said "domestic help") cap, he/she was busy carrying in-house gist back to the main family in the village.  These are stereotypes, of course, and like I say every now and then (not on this blog sha), there are two sides to every story.

[Image Source]
What I have discovered, is that where a married couple, for example, have extended family members in the home, it tends to put unnecessary pressure/stress on the marriage. But maybe it is better to take a step back and see the background to this situation.  As usual, I will use a scenario to help you understand what I am driving at.

*dramatic music playing and then someone announces*

Behold the Scenario!

Now, let's assume Richard is the first born son of his parents.  He may or may not be educated beyond the secondary school level, but that's not the point here.  What is important is that Richard is doing well for himself: he is either self-employed (i.e. operating a successful business) or is gainfully employed.  Richard, however, is the first of 6 children.  His younger ones need to go to school.

Due to Richard's comfortable financial situation (at least that's the way those at home percieve it; whether this is true or not is anybody's guess), his parents shift the financial burden of the family to him.  That means that Richard's 5 younger brothers and sisters will look to him to send them to school, and supplement whatever income the parents have.

That is what is on ground, when one fine day, Richard meets Sandra.  They hit it off.  Richard proposes. Sandra says Yes.  They kiss.  They get married.  They kiss some more.  Richard knows Sandra. The pitter-patter of little feet fills their home.  And ... Okay, you can finish it up from here.  But you see where I am going with this, right? The family Richard was born into is now no longer his nuclear family.  Marriage has transformed that family to his extended family.  His primary responsibility is now his wife and child(ren).  The problem though is that his extended family does not just disappear.

Now, Richard is singlehandedly funding TWO different families.  Can somebody say STRESS with a capital "S"?  Now, his parents insist that the schools in Richard's city are better than the ones in the village.  So, one of his younger siblings comes to live in Richard's matrimonial home.  Later, the parents tell Richard that even if his other siblings cannot go to school, they should at least learn a trade, and Richard's city provides the best opportunities for apprenticeship.  Needless to say, by now, Richard and his wife can say "Bye, Bye" to privacy.

I suppose there are positive sides to having relatives live with you, especially if you have younger children (e.g free babysitter), but the numerous tales of sexual abuse by relatives sharing the same house with family members, has made me re-think that one.

From what I have said so far, you can tell what my stance on this issue is.  For very selfish reasons, I would rather NOT have relatives living in the same home with me.  It is something I can live without.

My question for you is this:  Would you allow your relatives live with you and your husband / wife in your matrimonial home?

Featured Artiste(s): Stage One

Remember Stage One? I had featured them in two previous posts (Here and here), and even declared "Stage One Week."

[Stage One / Twitter]
I have one more song from them, which I did not feature back then.  Here is "Cry" for your listening pleasure:


Likes:  The first thing that struck me about this song was that it was written in both English and Pidgin.  Weaving the lyrics using both English and Pidgin, and then adopting this "rock" music style is what makes this song stand out.  The songwriting is good; they kept it simple.  The message is pretty clear, and it seems like they decided to infuse creativity into the instrumentation instead.  It worked!

Stage One, like I have said before, have a basic understanding of this genre, and I think that sticking to this style of music is a good move on their part.  I love the guitar riffs scattered liberally throughout the song.  Maybe 'scattered' is not the right word, because it is well-organized, but I am sure you get the idea.  The vocalists (lead, background and supporting) also stayed consistent throughout, adding to the overall "compactness" of the song.

Dislikes:  None

Recommendations: Stick with this genre.

More information about Stage One:

Artiste(s) Stage Name:  Stage One

Artiste(s) Real Name(s): Nuhu Gaina | Joseph Jawfu | Yehoshua Odidi | Kachi Mozie

Connect with Stage One:  Facebook | Twitter

Listen to More Tracks: ReverbNation

I also found a 30-second video that briefly introduces the band members, and explains each member's role to you.  Here it is:

That's it from me.  Have a great week!

I don't understand this shifting of all the responsibilities unto the first born child, excuse me, he didn't make them, it is one thing to help, to ease the pressure however for the parents to just abandon there responsibilities unto their first born to me is ludacris - perhaps because I am Caribbean I view things this way but I dare say my nationalism has little to do with my opinion such as it is and has more to do with fairness and consideration. If the parents cannot stand the burden and its two of them how then they expect the one oldest child to bear it? So what they make one child to carry the others by default?

When you have young children you have to be careful with whom you let them spend time with, whom you let in your house and you she send them to. More times that not the sexual abuse occurs from those you know and seldom is it the fault of a stranger. Family is family sure however we are all still human being therefore fallible. Family is the training ground for the personalities, relationships, hardships, triumphs, failures you will encounter in life hence you will encounter the malicious, the kind, the dishonest, the honest, the machiavellian, the straightforward. You cannot assume or take for granted that because you share DNA that righteousness is automatic.

One cohabitate with extended family however before that occurs ground rules has to be set, boundaries has to be established and consequences for breaking those rules and not adhering to those boundaries has to be unequivocally clear thus one must be willing to follow through even if that means losing face with family members. You have to be willing to be disliked, disapproved of or just plain hated if and when the shit hit the fan and you have to do the booting cause family does not negate respect.

For very selfish reasons I'm on the same page with you on this topic. I mean, it's ok for couple of weeks, summer visit and such, but full blown moving in for months and years is a no no. Thankfully, I don't think I'll ever need to make to worry about that.

And who said I was watching my waist line? Please pass my fried rice and fried chicken over with dodo. Lol! always make me laugh. i love the way you write..........very refreshing.
i'll rather get an apartment for them than have them stay with me. yes, they help but most times they are major home wreckers plus i LOVE my privacy

I don‘t like the idea o, just for privacy reasons and because i would want to have my future husband to myself...though i‘ve not had any negative experiences with relatives staying in my parent‘s house. My aunt was very helpful during her stay and relieved my mum of a lot of stress.
But for some reason, i don‘t like the idea sha..feel a little selfish

I have to honestly admit that being just the two of us for the past three years has been amazing. I wouldn't mind too much for third parties now, but it would be on a conditional basis. Renewable on 3 months instalments :)

I don't like the idea too. Maybe its because I grew up in a 'strictly nuclear' family. My father never allowed relatives to stay with us on any basis. And believe me, he was not the last born. In fact, he was the first born in a very polygamous family, but he knows how to stand his ground.

I would say it depends on a lot of factors, i love my privacy too, but...i don't see any big deal now honestly, i have been married for 7 years and for the past two years now my husband's cousin stays with us, its really okay, his mum is late and father is too old etc..he is a great kid, he is a working upwardly mobile young man that just need some help till he is on his feet, he is smart, helps around the house and is generally an asset, ..i grew up in a strictly nuclear family too,but my husband always had people staying with them so we have different ideals, but we agreed that at first we would be alone when we got married for the first couple of years because that's just the way we wanted it. But now i generally am okay with SENSIBLE FAMILY FOR A REASON not just staying because it's their brother's house..

It depends. I don't mind my mom or dad staying with us, but I question if I mind his own

Rhapsody B: First of all, thank you for your detailed comment. Your opinion has very little, if anything at all, to do with your nationality, because there are other Nigerians (and people from other countries) who share the same view. Unfortunately, we we don't get to choose the family we are born into, and in such families where this occurs, it is left to the "burden-bearer" (Richard in my scenario) to draw the boundaries and set rules for his extended family.

Sexual abuse, as you pointed out, can be committed by a familiar person, and that includes relatives. It is advisable for parents to be vigilant about who they leave their children with. I like how you put it --->>> "You cannot assume or take for granted that because you share DNA that righteousness is automatic." Well said.

Losing face with family members. Hmmmm ... That sounds extreme, but I can see how that would be necessary. I think there are diplomatic ways of dealing with relatives though, but for "some" relatives, you might have to cut them off.

Sixth Lens: *eating the last few grains of rice and washing it down with a cold beverage* What was that again? Oh, the fried rice, abi? Eia *belches* It's all gone *runs away to hide*

Seriously though, it's good that you don't have to worry about it. Visiting is fine, like you said, but moving in for the long haul *shakes head* No way!

Luciano: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Apartment? Ah, you're generous o. Home wreckers ... Hmmm ... The stories I have heard. You're right. I value my privacy too, so I see where you're coming from.

AY: I found your comment quite interesting. You actually had a relative live with you, and from your account, it was a positive experience. But you would still prefer NOT to have relatives share your marital home. Wanting to have your home to yourself is a good enough reason. That's what I am sticking to too.

Myne: That your formula ehn ... Renewable in 3-month installments. What I want to know is how you arrived at that magic number: 3. You're patient sha. Mine would be more like 3 weeks or less. Non-renewable :-)

Atilola: I had the same experience: nuclear family, no relatives living with us. Your father must have had experience dealing with all sorts of requests from extended family members (My father's family is polygamous too). It was to your benefit that he set those boundaries and enforced them.

Jemima: Your case is an exception o, and the last few lines of your comment is the distinguishing factor: they have to be staying for sensible reasons, and not just because it is their brother's house. You both agreed to allow it, and your relative actually, in your own words, is an asset. In most of the cases I have observed, that is not the case, and the relatives end up causing more harm than good.

AdeOla: LOL! For your own sake, I hope "he" shares your sentiments.

I don't support relatives living in the same house with you and your husband. I told my mum that when I get married, she can't come and be staying in my house whenever she likes. It is me and my husband's house. It's not yours. You can come when I have my child and stay at most 2 months. After that ...

Lade: You didn't even waste time at all, as in ... you've already told your mum. No surprises, ba? I share the same sentiments just because I value my space. But come o, are you sure 2 months will be enough? *grinning*


I would love to hear your thoughts. Please Share.

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